As I look back on the last...27...ok...28 years (big smile) of my life I see a lot. Dark and light. Some days I had no idea where I was going because I didn't even know where I was at! I was surrounded by people that did not have my best interest at heart. Granted, I didn't have their best interest in mind either. I feel like I wasted a lot of time and energy on things that meant nothing. I lost time with my family that can never be replaced. I did things to my body, my mind that has taken years to reverse.
After escaping that dark part of my life I found the soul that was meant for me. I found Dwayne. When I found him, I found myself. He completes me. We are not perfect by any means. We struggle. We argue. But he is my best friend. I will grow old with him. He knows my dark secrets. He knows my tainted past and yet he still loves me. I can't imagine my life without him.
I have learned to let go of my past. I have learned that I do NOT have to be defined by my past. It has molded me into the person I am today but it is a mere chapter from the complete 4 book series of ME! (4 books because there are 4 quarters of our life...baby-teen....teen-young adult...young adult-old adult...old adult-dead).
These past 3 years have been very erratic. On one side of my heart they have been full. Full of family. Full of laughter. Watching my kids grow. Memories of good tears. Good decisions. Milestones. Embraces. Gracie. New friends. Just a full scale of goodness that I would never want to lose.
On the other side, however, it has been a dark, hateful, disrespectful, dirty, shocking, grim, and sluggish time. I have been let down by people. People I thought I could trust with my own soul. Situations where I thought love endured all became full of hate and hurt. It has been confusing. Some days are just as confusing as they were a year ago.
I feel like the devil has attacked my family. I feel like we have battled some pretty heavy stuff. My daughter, Sarah, still has nightmares. She deals with stuff on a daily basis. My husband still has the desire to severely hurt some people. He battles with that. We have been called murderers. We have been lied on publicly. We have had to sit silently in courtrooms while our insides were screaming. We have had to listen to people tell us what THEY think is best for OUR family. It has just been hectic and heavy.
These last few months have brought on new revelations for me. I was once told by my sister-in-law..."People only treat you a certain way because you allow them to treat you that way.". This has echoed in my mind so much these past few months. Of course she told me this about 10 years ago and she was talking about a situation that she was actually in but it has stuck with me. It has pushed me up the hill on days when I couldn't push any more.
I am in charge of me. You are in charge of you. What you do with you...well God has left that up to us, individually. We have free will as his children. We make the choices we make because we want to make them. We treat people the way we want to because...wait for it...we choose to do so. But by making that choice we have to be ready to accept the consequence. Consequences can be good or bad. But whatever path we take in life we have to live with the decisions we have made.
The beauty and ugliness of this free will is who it effects. If we are doing something cool and awesome for someone else...guess what...everybody gets that warm fuzzy feeling. You know...it makes your heart flutter. Toes tingle. No? Maybe it's just me. HA!
On the reverse side of that...it hurts and causes wounds if you are being self righteous. That is no fun for anyone. Even the one who is acting like this does not benefit. Their enjoyment is only temporary. They will find themselves as I do...wasted time...opportunity...long term effects for short term benefits.
I have learned to let go. By letting go that does not mean that I do not love or care for someone. Letting go of a hurtful situation means that I am not allowing them to treat me any way that they want. Letting go means that my heart has been put through all that I am going to allow it to go through. Stepping back does NOT mean that I am giving up.
I have faced these people as boldly as I can. I have tried several avenues to resolve the chaos that has engulfed our paths. Sometimes letting go is the only option we are given. I feel like I have been drowning in a mess and have had to put on a smile. Letting go releases me of that burden.
I love. I love people. Things. Life. I love hard. Everything I love-he has tried to destroy. He will continue in his fight. He will come after me again. I want to beat the devil. Dwayne and I will be ready. With every blow you can either fall to the pain or rise up. We have decided to rise up. We will fight for our family. Dwayne and I have become much stronger as a unit. I am thankful for him. I am thankful for Gods free will. He trusts that we will make the right decisions...just as we put that same trust in our own children.
Sometimes letting go simply means we have become stronger and it is time to stop allowing those people to treat us that way. Letting go means we are moving forward. Don't be afraid to let go. Your heart and mind will thank you.
Thank you for listening (reading) me ramble. I am self-healing these days. Old wounds. Old scars. New wounds. New scars. But we are tough, right? We can make it up these mountains.
