So here we are...rapidly approaching the third month of the year. Yes, almost one quarter of the way done. We start off the new year with all these goals. Losing weight, eating better, studying the bible more, visiting more, saving money, being a better person and on and on. Well a confession-those are mine. In the past it takes ohhh...maybe three weeks until all of that is out the window and I am back to the same ole me that I was December 31st. But not this year. No sir. I am bound and determined to stay on this course of becoming a better me. Letting go of the weight that has had me down for so long. In this blog I will venture into one of those weights. Not to intentionally throw stones or hurt anyone but this is therapy to me. I think it is important to reflect on what you have come out of to appreciate what you are going into.
Everyone has a story, a testimony-it's what makes us who we are today. The book of our life is amazing to some and nothing to others. Some take the time to listen, some take the time to become part of the story. But our stories are always changing. We never know what is around the corner. This is about a chapter in my life that I thought would never be written.
Finding out that someone you love has hurt your child is devastating. It knocks the wind out of you. It leaves you with only each other to cling to as a family because you have just become so guarded from the rest of the world. Trust is gone. Everything you thought you knew becomes a blur. Wanting to hurt that person that hurt your daughter becomes a plan. Perspective is lost. Anger...hate...rage sets in. Day and night. Dreams...nightmares. Constant thoughts...questions...theories of why...so much. For a full year it consumed Dwayne and I. It's a chapter in our life that I wish we could have ripped out. It was so public. Anyone who knew this man was, in my opinion, a victim of his actions. To some degree all of our trust in him was broken. It changed us-all of us.
For some people they have been able to move on. Forgive. Fall back into the same person they were prior to living this story in their life. I have not. Not yet. I will tell you that it is a process and I am working very hard everyday in this process. And no person is the same in the progression of this process. It's so easy for some to say "You have to forgive him". I often wonder if it had happened to their child if they would be so quick to dictate what my actions should be. I think God understands anger better then anyone. Look at all the mess He has dealt with over and over until finally dealing with the ultimate trials of Jesus...THEY KILLED HIS SON-WHO HAD DONE NOTHING WRONG. They didn't just kill him-they beat him-spit on him-threw dirt in his face-nailed huge pieces of metal thru his body and then made fun of him as he hung, helpless, in front of them. God was angry. Blackness covered the sky, the temple was cracked. He gave us that emotion.
But anger has gotten me no where.
While dealing with all of this with our child I became a surrogate mother for Tina and Dean. I think God's timing is perfect. The providence of God is amazing. We often can't see the big picture but God can and in the end we can look back on chapters in our life and see how it all played out, perfectly.
So fast forward through all of the mess...investigators, therapists, lawyers, court dates, sentencing, ALL OF IT. November marked a year that our lives were turned upside down. The dynamics of our family were forever changed but Dwayne and I had embarked on a new stage in our life together.
I was about to deliver a sweet child-hand picked from heaven-to my best friend. It forever changed me. Changed how I view things. That feeling that I got...knowing I was helping God in His master plan of life was, still, and will forever be humbling for me. I wanted to keep that feeling. To do so I knew I had to confront these feelings I had been carrying around like weights for a year. I had to let go of the bad and embrace the good God wants to give each of us.
Returning back to church with a new preacher (now that's a whole other set of weights) who had a series of lessons that could not have come at a better-much needed time in my life was like a breath of fresh air. From his lessons and studying to come to an understanding of what forgiveness is about I have set out on the process of forgiving the man that violated my daughter and the trust we had in him.
The interesting thing about God and sin is that He hates it ALL. He doesn't hand out lesser sentences in hell for cussing then He does for murdering a child, or cheating on your taxes verses raping an innocent child. So that means that me and this man are on the same level. My crimes may not be as sick as his but they still hurt God just the same. Thats hard to swallow isn't it? Society has allowed us to think that there are degrees of "bad behavior"...and when we are talking about breaking the law, there are different levels. But in God's eyes there aren't.
So what does this all me for my whole "Be blessed? Be a blessing!!!"? Well, I am coming to terms with things. I am trying to understand God's intentions for me. I am letting go of this anger that latched on to me November 2nd, 2010. Maybe something that I have said will help you to let go. Maybe it will encourage you start the process of forgiving someone in your life. Or letting go of some anger.
Forgiveness is a blessing. Could you imagine life without it? My mama would still be mad at me. :) There would be no chance for eternal life in heaven if we weren't offered forgiveness. How awful would that be?Maybe this will inspire you to ask for forgiveness (as I too have experienced with this process) from someone in your life or even from God.
It's almost the third month of this new year. I don't want to give up on this journey. I am a LONG ways from where I was with this man on November 1st, 2010 and things will never be as they were before but I am making the effort to rid myself of the anger and hurt that I've been hauling around. I am making an effort to forgive the sinner but not the sin. If you started something this year and have kind of gotten slack...don't give up. Don't give in. It's a daily thing to push thru but in the end it will so be worth it. Don't wait for others to make the move. Show them what forgiveness (from whatever end) is all about. You never know who you will inspire....
